2 sides of 1 person
Juz read a post in my fren's blog commenting on the New Year.... on how tt there is no difference between each day, and it is human who felt the need to "comparmentalize" time....and how cooperations market their products to earn money, and how easy it is to fool humans.
Sometimes, i think tt its good to have those "allocated" holidays. It makes us think of doing special things for our family and our friends. It makes couple think of special things to do.
Of course, it doesn't mean tt being nice to my mother on Mother's day would redeem me from being bad to her for the rest of the year (not to mean tt i do tt... juz an example ^_^). My family dun celebrate father's day or mother's day.... which i feel tt bec we dun see the need to. "Just be nice to them, and everyday would be Mother/Father's day"--- this is my opinion on it. I think those Father's day, Mother's day, V day, and Frenship day or blah-blah day..... is all a gimmick by the cooperations, to make u spend and buy their products. A normal meal would cost twice as much on those days than on normal days.....
I supposed tt i would have agree with what he have said totally, if not for this year xmas year eve.... =P
I was glad tt there was a reason, or an excuse to make tat day a special day. I wont deny the fact or possibility tt becos it was xmas eve, it felt magical....
I supposed being in a r/s changes u in some way or another..... =)
Conclusion: Humans fooled themselves. And i think sometimes, i would willingly be fooled...... if just because i enjoy the special occasion.
"The day blah-blah-blah happens, is the day PAP collapse"
Eg. "The day pigs fly, is the day PAP collapse".
Found it very amusing when i heard tt quote... so decided to blog it. =)
Disclaimer: I have the utmost respect for our government who make Singapore the way it is today. So this is not intended to be an insult, but more of an indication of the stability of our government.
Additional Disclaimer: I do sound like i trying to cover my backside, ain't I? =P
Last Disclaimer: But i do like to add that i grateful to the government for making Singapore wat it is today, though i have some complaints here and there, its good enugh for me.
What are friends for?
An incident with a friend affected me.
I didn't know how to react to him. I didn't know how to help him. I didn't know whether he needed help or not. I didn't know whether he was ok.
I was never a close friend with him before. He was the kind of person who keeps things to himself, and bring up a forced smile in front of ppl, always acting cheerful and crappy. But one can tell he has a dark personality.....
And his personality seems to be darkening (quoting from another fren of mine).
Yes, life has not been good to him recently. A lot of things have happen to him. And the things are not minor things tt can be brushed off juz like tt. And i felt guilty, bec of my lack of tact in my words, i somehow bring up those events..... I apologised to him on icq, and thru sms. There were no replies. And the next time i see him, he behaved in that shocking manner.
I feel guilty, bec i push the responsibility to myself, Rudolph said.
And yah, i have the tendency to push responsibility to myself and feel bad..... its another manifestation of my tendency to worry unnecessarily. Though i have managed to keep in check the bad habit of worrying too much, i think it only manifest in other ways.
Guilt is only one of the emotions i felt. And guilt is something i can rationalise, bec i know i didnt really do anything tt i should feel guilty abt.
I felt sadness too. To see a friend, though not a close friend, to turn into such a state. I don't know the true reason for his behaviour towards me. It could be juz a form of relieve of tension. But i fear tt he is breaking down..... and i know i cant do much things for him.
Even his close friends would find it difficult to help him, difficult to get him to open up.
Sometimes i wonder how much i, armed with the knowledge of psychology, can help those ppl in sorrow, in conflict, in denial, in trouble, etc.... And sometimes i feel a sense of helplessness towards this ppl, bec i know regardless of the knowledge i gain from books, from school, i might not be able to help them at all. And i wonder abt whether this journey of gaining knowledge is just a futile journey.
I wanted to study psychology, bec i feel that, a lot of troubles are caused by the inability of ppl to think things through. They are stuck in their own problems, and they see no way out.... but there is always a way to cope with problems. Esp when the problems are just psychological problems and self-inflicted. If they can juz look at things from different perspective, their troubles can be solved, or dealt with. And studying psychology would aid me in helping those ppl.
But as i grow older, and talk to more ppl, i realised tt i couldnt help some of those ppl at all. My internship in prison also make me realised tt some ppl are beyond help, or at the very least, beyond my help. I couldnt help them to break free from their own psychological prison. And i know (and my friends have also tell me the same thing) tt the person can only help himself. There's only so much tt other ppl can do to help another. Ultimately, the person is his only saviour.
I remembered gardenia wrote in her blog once, saying something like this. "A journey can only be walked by oneself. But friends can make the journey much easier". I agreed with tt.... though there's only so much one can do to help someone who doesn't want to help himself.
So, what are friends for when the person doesnt help himself?
1st time
It was the 1st time I celebrated xmas eve with Ruldoph.
While i was waiting for 969 at the bus stop, i was thinking how different Xmas feels to me. For the other previous Xmas, it juz feels like any other holiday. I go out with frens, go for countdown, talk cock, play ard and go home. It was fun, definitely, but Xmas isnt any special to me. Maybe bec i'm not a christian, so i feel less for Xmas; i do not know.
But this Xmas feels different. I'm was thinking "I going to spend it with Ruldoph... and it's Xmas eve!". I feel.... anticipation. Not anxiety.... juz a bubbling anticipation. Though being typical me, i was also thinking abt what are the things we could possibly do to spend the whole afternoon and evening together, I didn't worry. Spending time with her, has always been natural.
We were sorta "chased away" from the 1st spot we chosed. Soon after we laid our mat, another grp of china ppl laid their mat, RIGHT BEHING us. We were not comfortable with them behind us.... its like we were on the stage, and them observing us.... so we moved. I was grumbling to myself why of all places, they have to position themselves right behind us.... in the end, we shifted to a spot under a coconut tree, near bbq pit 32, near the toilet. I took note of the place, bec i wanted to remember the place =)
So what did we do there? Nothing much. Juz chit-chat and chit-chat... Topics juz flowed. Tts the best thing with Ruldoph. I need not try too hard to initiate conversation (of course, sometimes must try lah, but its still little effort). And i can talk to her abt anything, not worrying tt she wont like the topic.....
We had our picnic dinner at abt 530 plus. Ruldoph brought hot dogs, and sandwiches.... the hot dog really tasted good! haha, i forgot the brand tt she said, but can ask her if anyone wants good hot dog. The sandwiches was a "class formula"... she added lime juice to the tuna, which makes the sandwich sweeter. I brought fried rice (cooked by my grandma) and strawberries coated with chocolate (though the chocolate was melting oredi). Haha, what was funny is tt she tot of the same idea for SWAPS party and told June abt it. And it was June tt i asked for the receipe! June's rxn when she heard the idea from Ruldoph was "Are u going to bring to the picnic?". Hahaha, i guess she was worried tt we brought the same thing.... Poor June, she always get stucked in between the 2 of us..... =)
We played the "24 pts" game after tt.... its hard to play card games with only 2 person, but this game can be played with 2 person.... even though it involves maths, and might put some ppl off, she juz played the game. And she got better than me after a few tries =P
We exchanged xmas presents at 730. Wanted to open up presents before it gets too dark to see our presents... and both of us couldnt guess the presents. Was surprised she bought me a wallet.... hehe, tt means i can change my wallet now =)
Send her home at abt 1030... we walked down the beach, to the underpass near the coastal sand. and walked down the stretch of pavement along Mandarin garden, the place which we had our Transcend Finale nite. Near the condos, we saw a old couple holding hands, and Ruldoph told me she saw them at esplanade before. Its heart-warming to see them holding hands at such an old age....
Have the countdown at a bench below her void deck. I ate the mini log-cake i bought.... hehe, it does look really cute.
Its the 1st time I spend Xmas eve with Ruldoph. And this Xmas feels.... magical.... Was glad tt i didnt go for SWAPS party. Not bec i wont enjoy their company, but tt i wont have the chance to be with Ruldoph to spend the day.
Hopefully, there would be many many more Xmas eves to come.... ^_^
第一次 (作词：张天成 作曲：光良)
当你看着我 我没有开口 已被你猜透
还是没把握 还是没有符合 你的要求
是我自己想得太多 还是你也在闪躲
如果真的选择是我 我鼓起勇气去接受 不知不觉让视线开始闪烁
喔 第一次我 说爱你的时候 呼吸难过 心不停地颤抖
喔 第一次我 牵起你的双手 失去方向 不知该往那儿走
那是一起相爱的理由(对我) 那是一起厮守
喔 第一次吻 你深深的酒涡 想要清醒却冲昏了头
喔 第一次你 躺在我的胸口 二十四小时没有分开过
那是第一次知道 天长地久
感觉你属于我 感觉你的眼眸 第一次就决定 决不会错
Calvin & Hobbes
Abt xmas:
Calvin: Yep, Christmas is just around the corner. And what better way to celebrate a religious holiday than with a month of frenzied consumerism?
Hobbes: I'm surprised other religions haven't picked up on that.
Calvin: Getting loads of loot is a very spiritual experience for me.
Abt advertisment:
C: Nowadays, ads don't just sell a product. They sell an attitude! Look at this one!
Here's a cool guy saying nobody tells him what to do. He does whatever he wants and he buys this product as a reflection of that independence.
H: So basically, this maverick is urging everyone to express his individuality through conformity in brand-name selection?
C:Well, it sounded more defiant the way HE said it.
H: Hm.
Abt advertisment (2)
C: Here's another ad with attitude.
This guy didn't like his job, so he quit, and now he climbs rocks! See, he's his own man! He grabs life by the throat and lives on his own terms!
H: If he quit his job, I wonder how he affords those expensive atletic shoes he's advertising?
C: Maybe his mom bought them for him?
H: I hope she'll pay his medical bills when he falls off that rock.
Abt Heaven:
C: If Heaven is good, and if I like to be bad, how am i supposed to be happy there?
H: How will you get to Heaven if you like to be bad?
C: Let's say I didn't
do what I
wanted to do.
Suppose I led a blameless life! Supposed I denied my true dark nature!
H: I'm not sure I have that much imagination.
C: Maybe Heaven is a place where you're
allowed to be bad!
Felt very relived when i saw my results... it was better than my expectation. Bec i didn't get a C+ for my IRP.... yah yah, some of my frens will say tt i would not do so badly. But i know my work, and i still feel tt my report sucks, even after getting my results. I not complaining though.... i'm lucky tt Dr Chang Weining Chu(my supervisor) was in a generous mood.
Usually, when i tell my frens or my family abt my fears for doing badly in school, they will either say: "Dun worry too much, things will turn out ok one" or "Aiyah, u always do so well, dun need to stress lah". My bro especially like to use the 2nd statement.... "Aiyah, dun bluff lah..... u always say u worry abt not doing well, but in the end still so good!"
I do take this kind of statements as compliments. Bec it is an indication of my track record, of their confidence in me (my frens) and their trust in me (my family).
However, i would like to stress tt track records doesn't matter much for present performance. How many As or Bs i get will not help me in getting my next As or Bs.
I learnt this from the experience of my fren. A female junior of mine, was outstanding in her academic work. She scored all As in triple science and Maths C, has a S paper in Bio and Chemistry, and participated in the Medical Quiz. She spoke eloquently, and behaves confidently. All of us, my friends and my juniors KNOW tt she will definitely get into medicine. I mean, with her track record, and with her quality, surely she will get in. The thought of her not getting into medicine never crossed our mind.
But she didn't get into NUS medicine. All of us were shocked.... and by her own admission, she felt tt she did well for the interview.
The fact tt she didnt get into NUS medicine, which is what she really wanted, set me thinking abt her rxn towards the situation. Everyone ard us were convinced tt she will get in, and whenever she voiced out her fears abt failure, we would always assured her tt she WILL get in, and point out to her all her achievements.
It taught me tt regardless of ur past achievements, regardless of the qualities u have, u can still fail at the impt pt in ur life.
It taught me tt i shouldnt be overly confident of myself. Even if my track record is good. Even if my frens and family tell me and assure me.
Tt way, i wouldnt fall too hard if i fail, bec at any pt in time, i would always be aware of the possibility of failing.
Whenever i tell my bro this, he will say " Yah lah... but u can do it wan lah". He understood my pt, but he is confident of me. Sometimes it does give me an extra pressure. Sometimes it gives me an extra boost of confidence.
And i will tell myself to get back down to earth, and not get overly confident...
Anxiety, reloaded
Forever feeling very nervous on the day of the exam results.
Woke up early in the morning to pray, at abt 8am. Need to wake up early bec Ruldoph getting her results at 9, so i wanted to pray for her too.... Well, i know rationally, praying when the results are oredi fixed doesn't help, but it does help to calm my nerves.
At abt 10am, i was already pumping with adrenanlin, bec of the anticipation. It felt the same during exam periods, when i was very edgy/psyched up/ pumped (i dunno what to call it) juz before each exam paper. The same form of anxiety.
Think i would feel the anxiety whenever i waiting for results (any kind).
Library tour
Was playing bball with YH, ZS and Ruldoph on 17th...
After lunch, Ruldoph went off for DnD meeting, while me YH and ZS went off to the "New" Central library to take a look. Wow, the library has a brand new look.... the arrangements have change so much, tt we sorta got lost in central library. YH was joking tt it feels like we are incoming year 1 exploring the library for the 1st time. Hehe, i agree....
They have new chairs too in the 3rd storey... very unique colours and shape. and very good to sleep in =) Should go and try out... the 3 of us were tempted to sleep in it....
And they have STRANGE cubicles on the 3rd storey.... 4 glass cubicles side by side. Totally transparent walls (make of glass), with no tables or chairs inside. No lan pt, only power sockets. I not sure whether got wireless lan or not.... I have no idea what the cubicles are for, cos studying inside the cubicle seems like a weird idea to me. The cubicle is small. And bec its totally transparent, everyone walking by can see what u are doing.... Feels more like a shop window to me, and the ppl inside some exhibits. YH was joking tt the cubicles are for those who did badly for the sem, so they would serve their "punishment" inside the cubicles... haha....
One of one conversation topics then, was tt whether we would accept a wife, who was a male before. Meaning our wife underwent sex change operation. All three of us felt tt we wont be able to accept it. And whether we will accept it if our children is marrying a transvitite.Then we digress a bit to topics abt gays... on how we will react towards them. On how we will react if our children tell us tt they are homosexuals.....
Audience
was in the meeting for DnD external liasion grp, when jiayu commented tt the milk shake is fattening. Then i juz joked tt, "No prob, i fat liao". And yz commented tt she read my last blog entry...
My 1st thought was that " Hey, u reading my blog ah? Leave a comment leh..."
And immediately after tt, i realised tt i didnt like tt thought.
I remembered telling yz tt i feel tt writing blog should be an intrinsic motivation. Tt is, i should write blogs bec i feel like writing; not bec i want ppl to comment on my entries. I think tt if i write my entries so tt ppl can comment on it, it might affect the way i write and what i write.
So, i resisted from telling yz to drop a comment.
But i can now empathsize with wat yz said the other time... tt its nice to see comments from other ppl. Its nice to know tt in the cyberspace out there, there are ppl recognizing ur existence... Haha, ok tt sounds a bit extreme, cos those ppl who read my blog are those ppl i know physically. But yh's blog are read by ppl from other countries, so i guess tt statement applies to him.
Also, comments are good, bec it helps me look at things in different perspective... or juz provide affirmation to my thinking.
Though i shouldnt write blogs for the sake of receiving comments, and i should remain so, i now recognise the impt of ppl's comments.
It does serve as a secondary source of motiavtion to write.
Isn't it the same for other activities, like sports, theater, and art?
SO, thanks to all those ppl who have left a comment in my blog! Haha, Nana, i know u are my constant reader =)
How badly do you want good looks?
Read an article by Newpaper (14th, Dec, sun). They did a survey with youths whether they are willing to carry out beauty proceduries, even though they carry a risk of shortening their life.
Some of the things they are willing to exchange for their life:
Overall attractive facial features: 53 mths (~2 yrs)
Perfect eyesight: 48mths (2 yrs)
One participants would gladly give up five years of his life for all the attributes in the poll, a whopping 45 years for the 9 features.Why? Another participant, who was willing to trade off 43 yrs offered this explanation, tt "good looking ppl are more successful in life".
"Better a short existence as a blazing shooting star than an eternity in a black hole", a quote in the article.
So would i trade off my life for a stab of perfection?
Hmm.....at 1st instinct, i would say no. Bec i dun like, or dun want to think tt external beauty is sooo impt tt i would sacrifice my life for it.
To me, external beauty is skin-deep.... internal beauty is what counts most. And internal beauty can be cultivated with effort.
And IF i want to improve my external beauty, i rather spend my years trying to achieve them, than using surgery. I not against surgery for others, but i do not want to take the easy way out for myself. Take for example, my flabbiness. I did play with the thought of going for surgery to change tt... but whenever i think abt surgery, i would tell myself "Better if i go exercise and watch my diet than going under a surgeon's knife. And i would be more proud if i achieve thru my own effort".
Ok, a clarification.... it seems to ppl tt i very sensitive to tt issue abt my fatness (is tt such a word?). I even received a warm fuzzy during Absolut telling me not to be concerned abt it. I'M NOT CONCENREND ABT MY FAT APPEARANCE. I might be concerned abt being fat, for health or fitness reasons, but i definitely not overly concerned abt appearance. I make fun of myself abt my weight or flabbiness, bec i aware of it. And i think making fun of myself, is an indication tt i dealing it fine. And i dun mind ppl making fun of me too, well, bec its true. Though it gets a bit irritating when ppl kept on making fun of the same thing over and over again...... =P
When i was younger, i try to denied the fact of my own weight-y condition. And i do get upset whenever ppl make fun of me.... but gradually, i came to realised tt i have control over my own weight. I can go exercise, watch my diet, etc etc.... So its my own fault if i am fat. And if i want, i can be thin. With this sense of perceived control, i am not particular abt being fat. And gradually, i start making fun of myself, bec its fun too! =)
Sometimes, i actually glad tt i do not look gorgeous. I can be sure tt the friends i make do not like me bec of my beauty. I think this is especially apparent when making new friends. The typical observation in a camp is that the prettier females would make more frens; the prettier females would usually be surrounded by more ppl too. Of course, this is not the case for all camps. It depends on the agenda of the guys who goes to camp, whether they want to make new friends or want to make girlfriends. =P Anyway, sometimes when i put myself into the shoes of those prettier girls, i think i would feel insecure when i make new friends. Do they be-friend me bec i look pretty? Or bec they find me fun and nice to be with? Personally, if the reason is the former, i would be pressurized to look best at all times. Tt would be stressful sia....
When i think deeper abt the choices the participants made, i begin to understand why they make those decisions.... 2 yrs off my lifespan is not a lot, esp when u considered its the last 2 yrs of my life. Why dun i use those 2 yrs, to look better, so tt my other 78yrs would be more smooth sailing? I think i might be willing to trade off 1 yr for an increase in height, bec height is something tt i cant really do a thing abt.... (i ok with my height though).
I think the comments made by an participant is very true....
"Do I like to look pretty? Yes. That's part of being a girl. I'm not ashamed if I want to look better. "
"But I'd be ashamed if that was the only thing I cared about".
Its the matter of priority i guess.... for diff ppl, priorities are different. Hopefully, they will strike a balance.
Friends
While thinking abt the conditions for making art, an art, it reminded me of what makes people my friends....
Friendship has been a life-long question to me... not tt i questioned abt frenship, but what are the conditions or things or charactersitics of ppl tt make them your frens...
When i was younger, and start to read books and play games, there will always be the theme of frenship within the plots. And as i get to read more comics and play more games, the clear cut definition of frenships get blurred.....
In some stories, the best frens are on different sides (of the law, or different clans or etc etc...). Even though they opposed each other, they are still the best of frens..... It was puzzling to me when i was young (though i can accept it now).
In some stories, the best frens meet infrequently and seldom interact. They never did much things for each other, but juz becos they can talk to each other openly, they treat each other as the best of frens.
In some stories, a pair might go out together often, might interact all the time, might have help each other for major events, might share their own secrets... yet, they do not treat each other as the best of frens.
So what are the conditions to define best frens?
That both of u can be open to each other, and can share secrets together? A psychologist or a counsellor would fit that bill. U can share , or u are supposed to tell the inner most secrets to a psychologist so tt he can help u with it..... does tt means tt all psychologist makes good frens, or psychologists have lotsa good frens? Of course it's not like tt...
Maybe best frens are ppl who u can talk with, feeling no sense of akwardness, even after not seeing each other for a long time? So does the ppl on the chatline qualified as being ur best frens? Since u never met the other person before, but u are able to chat on anything and not feeling akward.... And ppl tt u meet in icq and irc chatrm? Are they ur best frens? I doubt so...
Are the ppl which u go out often with, ur best frens? No, not really, cos some ppl wont count their colleagues as best frens, even though they go out for lunch or dinner often.....
Are frens ppl which u can turn to for help? Well, ppl turn to their families or relatives for help, but i dun think they would rate all their relatives as good frens....
Of course, i being too particular abt the definition here. It was intentional. I juz trying to make things difficult for myself to answer, so tt when i have an answer, i make sure tt i already talk long and hard abt it.
The question is difficult... i still havent grasp my own answer yet, though i think i getting there. Add on the different types of frens, and the question get even more difficult....
But well, tts part of the reason i want to be a psychologist.... to understand human nature and understand ppl, which is a difficult task. So the difficult questions which i need to answer is essential.
ART
Went out with SYg and oSY on 9th. Was having a chat, abt lotsa stuff... random stuff basically =P but i always enjoyed talking to the both of them.... thanks both of u!
One of the things we talked abt.... and i was thinking abt it at home. so tot i juz put it up....
What is art?
Is art, which can't be appreciated by the audience, art? I couldnt really appreciate avant-garde art. And sometimes i cant help but wonder whether the artists are juz con-man, and juz put up any-o-how things and labelled is as "art".
A Calvin & Hobbes comic strip summarized my sentiments....
Calvin: This is my snow sculpture, "Bourgeois Buffon". Cn you believe Mom rejected my grant application to continue making these?
Hobbes: Why do you need a grant?
Calvin: I'm on the CUTTING EDGE of art! My work deserves public support!
Hobbes: What if the public doesn't like your work?
Calvin: They're not SUPPOSED to like it! This is AVANT-GARDE stuff! I'm criticizing the lowbrows who can't appreciate great art like this!
Hobbes: But you'll take their money.
Calvin: What do you want me to do, suffer?!
oSY and SYg gave some comments abt their definition of art.. (but i cant remember their comments =P). I came to my conclusion tt art is how one makes of it....
Music is a form of art, isn't it? (i doubt many would content tt statement)
Cooking is a form of art, isn't it? (Think of Japanese cuisine, which can be "as good as it looks". Chinese cuisine which is
色香味俱全)
Literary is a form of art, isn't it? (hmm... does writting blog constitues art? at least not mine, i know..)
Martial arts can be a form of art, isn't it? (Well, tts why we call it "art", haha... Truly, i think for all forms of martial arts, the highest form of it can be a beauty to behold....)
Seduction can be a form of art, isn't it? (Well, i saw a book with the title, "The art of seduction"....)
Hmm..... if so many things can be art.... then what is art truly? Wont it lose its actual meaning, when the meaning becomes so broad?
I feel that comics is art.... i appreciate it, though there would be ppl who would disagree with me (like my grandmother or parents when i was younger). I feel that anime can be art, but some ppl dismiss it as cartoon, and only for kids (but Finding Nemo is good, and other animes which are classics like Akira and Ghost in a shell...). I feel that computer games can be art, esp when it has great story telling, and pulls u into the game......
What is your definition of art?
Purpose
Was watching Star Awards 2003 yesterday. The speech by Xie Shaoguang caught my attention and made me think abt Absolut....
He said something along this line...
"如果我演戏。。。能让观众带来一点欢乐，引起一点共鸣，带来一点启示。。。那就足够了。。"
so the thought strucks me tt the last part abt 启示 was something i hope tt Absolut will be. TT we could bring awareness for the campers. Tt they learn abt something, etc etc....
And after digesting what Xie Shaoguang said, i realised tt part abt 欢乐... It seems tt i totally forgotten abt tat part for Absolut! Thus, i remembered tt even for evaluating Absolut, i should remembered tt there can be various things the campers can bring back.
They might make new friends. They might be more aware of themselves. They might have enjoyed the camp. They might have bring back fond memories.
Learning something abt themselves is the most impt thing, to me, for the camp. But it shouldnt matter too much if that aim was not achieve.... I was too focused on tt aspect tt i ignore abt other aspects.
For this camp, i felt tt the campers have enjoyed themselves. I think tt there is much more action for this camp, compared to last yr, where there is more sitting down and talking. I think tt generally, campers prefer to have more action...
Also, i think the warm fuzzies was a very very good idea for Absolut! Not only for the campers, but for the facis too! The way the campers was writting the warm fuzzies, it was very encouraging.....
I think part of the reason why warm fuzzies work bec for Absolut, most of the campers know each other... so they have more things to write for the fellow campers and for the facis too. Seriously, i think we should keep the warm fuzzies for Absolut.... I was reading my warm fuzzies in the toilet cubicle (yah, i know, strange place to read rite?? but well, toilet is a private place for ppl mah....), and i was touched by the sincerity in the notes.
Yes, i do feel warm and fuzzy inside. =)
Guilt
The fence incident.
Did i make any excuses? Was i trying to give myself any excuses? I hope not. I hope tt i juz state the reasons for my decisions, and i accept full responsbility for the wrong decision. Luckily, nothing bad happened.
Even though after i apologised to the 2 of them, i still feel guilty abt the whole incident.... One of the rxn to my behaviour was " Dez, of all ppl, why u?". And frankly speaking, i was stung by the correct observation....
Why me? When i have been a programmer last yr, and have emphasize on the safety aspects of all the games?
Why me? When i even considered psychological safety in designing the champions walk, and defended my decisions in not making it into a spooky trail, becos "SWAPS is a warm society, and should not do this kind of things"?
Yes, the statement was correct. I have nowhere to run nor hide from my actions. And i didnt. Or I hope i didnt.
So just after the fence incident, when i was slightly cooled down from my anger with him, i did a mental evaluation of what happened. And i knew i was wrong, even though after what i said to him. So i apologised to Nana. And after tt, i apologised to Db.
But it wasnt enugh.... i unsure whether they do forgive me or not. To be more precise, i KNOW tt they will forgive me for my wrong decision. I know tt they will not hold it against me. Yet, i couldn't convince myself emotionally tt they did, even though rationally, i know they would.
So for the rest of the nite, i was haunted by myself. All of a sudden, i was very sensitive to other ppl's rxn and behaviour towards me. All of a sudden, i noticed the lack of conversation bet me and anyone else. All of a sudden, I didnt know how to talk to anyone in the camp.
I know tt rationally, it must be my oversensitivty... yet i couldnt break out of it.
Thus, i didnt really talk much to Nana and Db for the rest of the camp. I read from Nana's blog tt she felt some tension.... i felt it too. Which i not sure its created by my own guilt....
To Db and Nana, i apologised again for my wrong decision. And i wont behave differently towards u two juz bec of this incident... so hopefully we wont feel any tension next time =)
Besides guilt towards the 2 of them, i also felt guilty abt the way i behave towards him. Of saying wat i said, even though i knew he was right in the fence incident. So i felt guilty becos of tt.... Yet i did not want to apologise to him. Usually, i would apologise to ppl when i'm in the wrong, but to him, i behave otherwise. I could be running out of patience, bec when i tried to get myself to apologise to him, i will remembered abt what he said to me before the night walk. And i will recall the countless no of times i apologised to him for how i react towards him (which is similar to what happened). And i felt unjust tt i always have to be the 1st person who do tt...
Yet, after making my decision not to apologise to him, i feel guilty abt not doing it. Bec i knew i was in the wrong. But i still decide not to apologise to him. Though i initiated a normal conversation with him.... to try to break the ice.
Ruldoph said tt " U are too good a person. Tts why u feeling guilty".
But is a person good enugh, when he dun apologise when he's in the wrong? (though to him only lah). I have always prided myself for apologising to ppl when i'm in the wrong; and have done tt often enugh to think tt i'm will always be like tt.
It seems that there will always be exception.
Grp dynamics
Nana wrote me a warm fuzzy, and apologised tt she placed me in a grp with difficult grp dynamics. I was smiling at her apologies....
True, my grp was difficult bec the campers, majority are a quiet bunch.
True, my grp was difficult bec its the only grp with 1 guy.
True, my grp was difficult bec besides the 2 perm facis, the other facis do not have much time to come ard. (Though K was always coming back, so must thank her!)
True, my grp was difficult bec I was supposed to be the experienced person, yet this is the 1st time i was being faci...
But definitely, Nana is not to blame for me being in a difficult grp. She cant predict the quiet campers, nor the no of guys in the camp... There are only a limited no of experienced facis to go ard also. Though i was silent complaining, but its more for the sake of complaining than real dis-sastisfaction.
And Nana... i heard from Ruldoph tt u heard wat i told him. Abt the fence incident... Ruldoph told me tt u think its rare tt i was actually so straightforwarded (or angry or something like tt....). And u think that there is bad blood bet me and him.
Let me assure u, tt there is no bad blood bet me and him.
I said, " Why should I listen to u?" to him... bec juz before the night walk, i asked him not to make comments and give suggestions to our grp. And he was making some not-so-subtle comments to a certain camper.... so i told him tt at least for this game, we should juz leave the things to the campers to settle. I told him 2 times. The 1st time i told him, he didnt refrain from making the comments. The 2nd time i told him, he said to me "I not listening. I not listening".
I was damn irritated.
So i was brooding over it in the beginning stages of the night walk... but i decided to juz keep quiet and let my anger simmer and disappear.
But when the fence incident happened, and he came up to me asking me why i let the campers climb the fence.... i silently exploded. (haha, silent explosion? sounds paradoxical, but i think thats what happened).
Thus my statement towards him. In a cold fiery tone.
Nana, rest assured tt there's no bad blood bet me and him. I can still talk to him. and i still talk to him. And i did feel bad abt saying what i said (pls refer to the next post). I still will be normal friends with him.
But I having less patience with him. Maybe u can say i know him better, tts why i think he's not worth my patience nor understanding.....When i think back abt A and Q behaviour towards him, i can understand why they feel like tt........ and well, A, i will take back my statement abt him =)
I will be normal friends with him, definitely.... but I will be less tolerable with him now.
Nature vs Wanting
There are lotsa thoughts abt the Absolut camp.... and becos i writing it out, i do need to organise it and write it down into proper topics... tt was why i wanted to write a blog in the 1st place too. To improve my writing skills, so that i can properly transfer my random thoughts down into print, fast and accurate.
1 of the thing i tot abt was an old question tt i tot i have resolved...
"Should i be someone who i am (nature),
Or someone who i want to be?"
E.g. If i'm a shy person, should i be someone who tries very hard to talk to ppl, and feeling damn uncomfortable abt it? Or should i juz remain as who i am, esp since i comfortable it?
The above answer to the question might be quite straight-forwarded, bec it might be better,practically and emotionally to try to overcome the shyness. But the same question can be applied to a variety of different things....
E.g. If I'm a person with a high sex drive, in a society which values chastity, should I try to contain my nature and remain chaste? Or should I juz be who i am, and seek out responsible sex?
E.g. If I'm a person who is naturally uncompetitive in a company which value competition within their employees, should I be myself, and refrain from the competition, which might includes backstabbing and such? Or should i follow the norm, and strive to survive within the company?
Previously, before Absolut-lee-U, my resolution for the questiosn above is that... "I should try to be who I want to be, as long as i comfortable with the effort"
For Absolut, I was hoping to be a good faci... one like B, HJ, or SM... I seriously think that they are good facis, who help the campers think and be aware of themselves, without being overbearing on others nor threatening others. The night before the camp, I even called up my partner, and went thru the games... And the nervousness before i sleep, should be an indication of my expectations for myself too.
However during the camp itself, i realised it was very difficult for me to strive to be like B, HJ and SM. i couldnt juz naturally talk to someone who i get to know, and yet being a faci, i have to... and it doesnt help tt the venus ppl dun talk much during the evaluation. Yes i can rattle on and on, abt the things i can learn from the games, my life principles, but tt hardly counts as facilitation isn't it?! I do try to get them to contribute, like asking them questions... but their answers are short, and i dun wish to press on, fearing tt that they think i targetting them.
The fact that i do not know how to do small talk also didnt help.... beside those games de-briefing, which i have things to say, i have nothing much to talk to them abt outside the games.
So i was wondering... Should i strive to be like the 3 role models? When i not comfortable with talking to the campers? I was thinking, if i was given the chance to be perm facis for Absolut next yr, would i take it? My answer would be a straight yes before this camp.... now, i not so sure. Bec i unsure tt i can contribute to the camp...
Well, if i was encouraging a fren of mine, who have the same prob as me now, i would say "Well, a least u are trying! Its a small step forward, and everyone needs to learn! Noone is a natural faci... it takes time! Take it easy!"
But the above encouragement doesnt really work for me.... cos prob Absolut means a lot to me. I hope to put in my best, and be effective faci.... yet, my natural instinct was to be quiet and not talk much. I didnt try hard enugh to talk to the campers; i didnt try to talk to them much at night or during the free time.
So my resolution for my question doesnt really work now... becos i REALLY hope to be a good faci, and yet i DUN feel comfortable putting in the effort.
Later on the 1st nite, i had a chat with NaNa and Sy. Sy mentioned to me that i have high expectations of myself...The conversation with Nana and SY helps in allievating the kind of expectations on myself.... thanks to the both of them! *bow* I tot to myself after the conversation, " If i couldnt bring back anything for the camp, at the very least i would bring back this conversation!"
Ruldoph sms also helped a lot too..." That Absolut is not only a learning camp for the campers, but for the facis too".
So at the end of 1st nite, i was feeling a bit better.....
But my confidence abt my resolution for the prob " tt i should be who i want to be, as long as i comfortable..." was a bit shaken.
Think i will take time to resolve it again....
Absolut is finally over!
This is the first time I am a faci for a camp... for last yr absolut, i was in absolut, and for FOC Transcend, i was in logistic.... so it means that i never have the chance to interact with my grp much..
I would say that i actually quite scared abt being a faci for my grp... somemore i the permanent faci. Interacting with ppl i dunno has always been something i not good at. Plus the fact that a perm faci need to interact with all the grp members continuously, and try to build up the grp team spirit, get them to enjoy the camp and learn things....Ruldoph has told me before tt being a perm faci for Absolut is very difficult. And i imagine it would be too....
The night before the camp, i called up SY and W to tell them abt Absolut camp stuff. After the calls, i was trying to visualise what might happen in the camp. Frankly speaking, my heart was beating fast while i was thinking abt Absolut. Its the same kind of sensation when i all nervous and hyped up for an exam. Hahha... i tot that its an indication of how worried abt my 1st time being faci in camp.
The ppl in my grp venus are generally quiet, except for maybe yvonne. She's the most bubbly and enthu among all the venus ppl. I commented in my note to her that "she's the engine room for the grp".
Maybe bec they are a quiet bunch... i find it very difficult to try to initiate talk to them. I not very good at substaining a conversation when the partner dun talk much. And for ppl i juz knew, i also need time to find wat are the topics tt they are interested in. And maybe bec they are all girls except for javen, tts why i find it more difficult to talk to them.... guys are easier to talk with. Talk to them abt games/comics/army/soccer and most prob u can find a common interest.
Well, frankly speaking, i felt demoralised on the 1st nite of the camp. Cos i think i didnt managed to get the grp to gel together, and open them up. Most of the debriefing session, the talking is done by the facis.... even though we go thru a round robin style, and everyone has to talk; but to me, there is little initiation from the campers. I feel that it indicates a lack of interest on their part for their less-than-enthu participation in the conversations... And as a faci, i feel tt i didnt fulfil my duties.
I msged Ruldoph abt my feelings. The reply from Ruldoph encouraged me by pointing out to me something impt... tt Absolut is as much a learning camp for the campers as for the facis. Tt we should learn something from the camp strikes me as an impt pt which i didnt think abt at all.... and the debriefing session for the facis at end of the day also make me realised tt the facis and only do so much.... tt if we have tried, its sufficient enugh.
"Put in ur best, and thats good enugh".My perspective on this? Yes, i feel that its true.Sometimes effort is not enugh to guarantee u success. Cos there are things beyond ur control... A quote from the comic book "Whistle" goes like this: 好结果只不过是附赠的东西罢了，
你不要多想，只要尽全力就好了。
Though i think tt its true, my tots on putting one's best is that, sometimes, its not enugh. How do i know that whether i did put in my best? Could i have done better? Could i have put in more effort? Could i have try harder, when i didnt achieve my results? Putting in my best is good enugh, but when i dunno what's my best, i rely on the results to tell me whether i did my best.
So i hold conflicting views abt putting one's best... and those conflciting views dominate differently with differing situations. And for Absolut, a camp which i realllllliiiieee love (i treated my absolut camp as a turning pt of my uni life), i was hoping to achieve results..... so its something impt to me, and yet i didnt get, or didnt see any visible results. It was difficult in the camp, to feel like tt....
Though i have said all tt in the above paragraphs, i think the chat with ppl and the debriefing session did much to change my view to the put-in-ur-best-and-its-enugh mode.
Though i still hope tt venus ppl managed to learn something valuable, or bring back good memories...
